Тридцать третий

Шёл тридцать третий. Из городов сбежавший, исследователь жизни всё дальше шёл. Исполнилось предначертанное самим собой, для себя же. Как будто... Без дубовых листьев олова, крестов наградных железа и эдельвейсов... Каких бы то ни было. Без истинной радости. Просыпаясь в разбитом теле, в сосредоточености выполнения ритуала, с межхребетья пустотой, высотами, снега тяжестью одиночно сражаемся. Без приказов, ради падения подъём и падение ради падения. Где то, где весна, раз шесть раз за зиму... и видно с гор моря блики... К нему за закатами едем мы и горных цепей, под прибоя шум, в облаках плывущих, вид грозен...

‌Вот двадцатые октября. И лес, сбрасывает каштаны в папоротниковый сумрак... Вот я, всё ещё ждущий. Снега, смерти... Но сперва снега. Чтоб в дурака игры доиграть. Нажраться белого, холодного, резать гору и колоть. Лететь. Солнечная благодать и белые зубы Аибга кажет, в кухонное оконце. В городе пальмы, во дворе хурма. В голове пусто. Создаю ритуалы, рушу спонтанно, спохватившись неизбежно каюсь, суечусь, попускаюсь, тянусь, отжимаюсь, никогда не вспоминаю лето... Пятигорья ночи томные, липкие. И как камлал Paystovskiy Dark Theurge. И смертей всех этих хоровод... Как поразъехались по тюрьмам да кладбищам молодые, красивые, числом полудюжинным. И эфедровая тропинка в полынный лес... И шторма шум, и гроз светопреставленье, и до коленей рваных беготня. До невозможности перемещений, выдохну - приму, выдохну - приму. чтобы сиди, чтобы смотри на горизонт. Не делай. Не желай. Смотри... как они появляются и исчезают, появляются и исчезают, снами, миражами, знаками на воде, людьми, до крика "завязывай!", до тех прекрасных из разочарований, что снова заставят отправиться в путь... Чуть ближе к себе стать. Разливаются дымы над городом - то хоронят листья палые. Урожая праздник, минул... Жизни, как жито собраны, богато, безжалостно. Моей же добычи, вдоволь мне - шиповника горсть красного, горсть чёрного; да иллюзий глаза, теплом полные, прекрасные - снотворные; пальцы стылые, орехи грецкие... Дороги да истории... Я всё забуду, как сон...

‌В последний день зимы, тонким нектаром подснежниковый лес пах... Сносная не бытия тяжесть и бытия лёгкость невыносимая. Останавливаешься, замираешь и стоишь... в невозможности пошевелиться, мёрзнут, ноют уставшие пальцы. Взвешивание закончено, ничего не смысленно, не обязательно, не весомо, нечего хранить, держаться не за что... Корни не пущены, скоплены гроши... Жалкие. Глаза серые зовут на север.
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